Ultimately, I support her decision. I do not miss him, nor do I want him back, I feel like I served my time so to speak after 15 1/2 years of marriage. ", But thats good, hes learning from his father, its ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. Don't Fight Your Feelings All of our emotions are given to us for a reason. Cheers to a better tomorrow! And regardless of its source, shouldnt we be allowed to acknowledge it when it returns, free to express our feelings openly? it has been 5 years she is with no one and I am not eather . He also says, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19. You may have stayed in an unsatisfactory relationship for a long time because you were afraid of dealing with the changes that splitting up forces upon you. Sam, have you considered going to therapy to work through your pain? Within the last year, I ended my 20-year marriage after slowly coming to the realization that it was a codependent relationship. At these events, we were supposed to be celebrating together as a couple, as a family, as one. I can relate a lot with you. 6-12 years. 'We were still in love when our marriage ended' I got divorced because of a communication breakdown (that oversimplifies it, really) but I regret it because we were probably still in love when. Its now 10 years since my husband walked out after 29 years of marriage, and having had an affair with his now partner for eight months before he did so. The family I thought I had was broken by the man I gave my life to in marriage, nothing is ever the same again. Which is sad because we still get along, AOL and I. As in, you might finally be legally divorced. He was a longtime alcoholic, but quit (cold turkey) four or five years before he left. Are you a parent who's separated divorced Or NEVER-MARRIED ? The unearthing of secrets when, like a woman possessed, I became Miss Marple, Agatha Christie would have approved. Whether you're 32 years old or just 2, whether you're one-half of the once happily . I am still sick about all of the deceit after being together since high school. Best Wishes,Ben Schwarcz, MFTSanta Rosa Psychotherapist. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. "@type": "Question", I will give my daughter away to her man at the alter with trepidation and, as has been said, I will smile whilst enduring the pain of a family event without the man with whom I created her. When people live together as a husband and wife, they love each other and treasure each moment that they spend. "name": "Is moving on after divorce hard? You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. Yes, I am male. Remember that you can make it on your own, have a positive mindset and accept to move on. All in all, I am at a standstill. It is 14 years since he walked out on 30 years of being together, 29 of those married, and he is now married to the woman he had the affair with. I have stayed very close to his family (I only have my mother as immediate family) and so now and again I have to have contact with him. I once experienced a lady who was struggling with the pain of overcoming separation alone and when I purposed to hold her hand, she started relaxing, and within a short time, life to her became a joyous one. "text": "Its possible for your divorce to haunt you even after years as you struggle emotionally over how your marriage ended, how easily your spouse moved on, and how hard it is to negotiate the ebbs and flows of life." Esters comment summed it up beautifully. I feel so sad that we will never be a family and it must be awful for the kids but what can you do. An example is engaging in mind teasing activities, for instance going back to school for your masters on a part-time basis. Thanks for recognizing that. I googled this lingering pain. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. The worst part came a couple years later as I was sorting through papers to be destroyed. My separation began that same summer after 18 years of marriage. I've been having a recurring dream every night for the past few weeks. What I learned: Never let your guard down entirely, and he or she with the deepest pockets wins. All Rights Reserved. Does it mock me? It doesnt mean I want to be with my ex again, it doesnt mean I want to go back, it just means the pain of the loss of all of it is still there. Divorce Hangover: Pain That Won't Stop I have no support. Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Thank you for putting your experience to paper which identifies the common pain we shareand doing it so perfectly. I never imagined the heart would be in such conflict with the mind. Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. This will ensure that during the day, you are fully engaged at work and in the evening, you are in class. I think my circumstances are different than the norm because my ex-wife didnt leave because something was wrong with us. I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage of course we had our ups and downs and a loving partnership. I am grateful that the man in my life sees my joy and hears my laughter; these are qualities in our life together that are our normal. (How great is that?) My adult son came to live with me 20 years after his mother and I divorced. Will this date ever come without me noticing? In my 60s, I have nothing to look forward to, just existing each day. It's a process that's extremely tough from start to finish, and you can still feel emotional weeks, months, and even years after you and your former partner have split. It echos my experience so far. Youre still living in the past, ruminating on what should have been instead of focusing on what is and what will be. I still wonder why he left, although the reality was that he lived a double life with me! You may have to find. With both of us attending 2 of our childrens graduations, the sadness creeped up on me and has been lingering. Espcially this: Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Yes, indeed. Later she said no, I guess not and went on to a great life without nice. I have tried to console myself by saying, "leaving my ex was the most compassionate thing I could do since he deserved to be desired by someone". Divorce was 5 years ago. Ive been alone for over 12 years, the pain has definitely lessened, but there are times it still hurts & always will. I am not a bitter woman. "acceptedAnswer": { Some changed for the better, some are still works in progress. Its very difficult to see a future for myself. My children are grown and many milestones are coming up. We didnt have children but were together almost 20 years, and Ive been separated almost 8 years. ", Im deeply sad about the while situation and got the whole just get over it speech from my therapist this afternoon. Top 10 Mistakes Women Make After a Divorce Feeling like a failure. It leaves a mark,my divorce will always be a sad event in my life like other sad things.I choose to see how I have survived and thrived and I look at my kids now 9 and 10 and think' I did that'.I am proud ,a liitle battered and bruised by the journey but proud nonetheless. We were married for 15 years. He was my one and only love and there will not be another, whilst he has remarried a girl in SE Asia who is only 25 years old. I chose to go 100% zero contact, which has helped greatly with moving on. I am glad I read this. Studies show that men feel empty, guilty, anxious, depressed, deep loss, and strong dependency needs of which they . You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. xo, Im so sorry to hear of your sadness. But I could not stop it. You have summed up my sentiments towards my ex as if I had typed this out! Deeply sad, and still in pain. New hopes, dreams, and opportunities arent going to come to you if you arent emotionally free and receptive. Joanne, Thank you Joanne. Ive been to so many different therapist I cant count on two hands The first one was a marriage counselor since then its been all different kinds psychiatrist psychologist its just comes down that I love her and I want to wait on her but the pain going through this is almost unbearable I dont trust any other woman ever again but its extremely lonely I dont get to see my kids very much at all I have grandchildren I dont see them a lot some, Part of the reason is my children are grown so I understand that theyre trying to take care of their own family two of them are married the other one is a teenager but every time I see them I just want my family back to normal I just dont wanna live like this much pain the rest of my life I feel like Im a man without a country. Most Famous Female Pop Artists of the 70s, The History of the Basketball The Actual Ball, Guide to the Absolutely Strangest Things on Earth, Strange and Unusual Ceremonies and Traditions Around the World. ", March 2, 2023, 8:09 AM. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation anything and everything recommended, but I cant let go and have a constant deep sadness. I'm mad, yelling, and feel like I can't breathe. All we can do, those who still grieve, is to carry on, realise that we are not weird or silly for not getting over it, and that there are wonderful moments and times that we can enjoy. Friendship is not what I want at all. But that is life I am told and at 49 years old, starting over dirt poor and broken is not ideal. He aluded to not being happy This is not the life I wanted etc. Sorry, but I needed to share. 0. Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. This surely helped me, & Im grateful for the article and comments; 12 years after my husband left me, a week before Christmas, & moved on with another woman, as if wed never had a life of 25 years. And your words resonate. A lot of it hit home with me. Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain. They are irritating and dismissive, and predicated on assumptions that may not be true for all of us, including the adage that time heals all wounds. But moving on is not as simple as a prescription, especially when the past is the present, and the present is indeed a bitter pill. This is a very good article. And its been tuff, specially when He was the unfaithful, controlling, abusive one. He sat in our porch the week before he left, sobbing. In addition, research suggests people who experience a significant life event such as divorce are 2.5 to 9.4 times more likely to develop depression. 25 years gone after her affair. Still, it hurts and is sad sometimes, even 12 years on, but now I know thats okay and Im not alone! At the 10-year mark, by and large, the person who wanted the divorce is doing better than the one who didn`t want it. I dont know if I have ever felt such an awful feeling of loss besides the death of my parents. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. I decided that we had no passion or at least I had little to none for him and I wasn't willing to work very hard on it. "The narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells aside." - Sam Vaknin. Are men and women so different? I was married for 42 years when suddenly, without warning, a knock at the door, and a sheriff with divorce papers. As Cheryl Lawrence says above, I live with dead dreams. If she's been married 10 years, I've been separated/divorced for 10 years. It makes me hide a little bit of my truth (the sadness) from people. } Takeaway. I lost multiply job. Absolutely. 10 years is more than enough my dear. One very common one is feeling like your husband just isn't remorseful or sorry enough for the affair. The world wants everyone to be over things. He stopped speaking to me full stop. Im lucky my daughter still talks to me. My son sees a sadness every so often in me. Excellent article. I wa interested in this website. I initiated it. },{ I identified with your feelings of sadness many years after divorce. } He and the new wife (yes I still call her that) have been married the same amount of time we were. Clinging to the word of God is what is helping me go through all the pain and hurt. I accept it. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Accessibility Statement, 4 Myths About Cheating That Women Cling To. Yes, we have no choice but to keep on keeping on. I dont believe staying together for child sake. I cannot deny that when I hear echoes of family jokes that trace back to my childrens early childhood, I flash immediately to other days. There is so much I can be happy about now. She is the single mother of two boys. Im happily remarried, yet Im still sad 17 years later. Her mom has never recovered, neither have my daughter or myself for that matter. Dating the same man again. the pain is there every day . I thought I was taking forward steps. When you ask your 21 year old how her mom is doing ,she says not good and starts sobbing. I cannot be the women I was before, and I do not know who I am now. If you were meant to be with him you would be. I feel very lost again. Done. Not everyone makes it to acceptance. As I feel like I should be over it 6 years on but Im not. Oh, theres likely nothing so special about my story except perhaps how long it raged. I come back to these comments, to give me comfort in knowing that others still mourn the loss of what was and what could have been.
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